On Understanding Men (and a Book Recommendation)

 I am thankful that I have had an amazing father and three brothers who have, in word and deed, demonstrated that God has created men with unique and beautiful strengths- strengths which I benefit from and celebrate.  Through their influence and exposure to the truth of God's Word, I have thankfully never accepted the popular feminist view of men.  Television, literature and general conversation reveal that many women actually believe that men are clueless at best, and "trainable morons" at worst.  Respect for men has been fairly obliterated in our culture's pursuit of elevating the (almost entirely sexual) view of women.

    There have been times in my life when I, shamefully, have voiced a negative and disrespectful attitude toward men, generally out of some painful experience with one man or another in particular.  In the last couple of years, the Lord has really called me out on that "pain deflection" and taught me to take my pain to Him rather than seeking to mend my wounds by casting blame elsewhere.  I'm thankful for that and have seen amazing restoration in my life and relationships as a result.

   Pain and hurt are realities every woman needs to learn to take to the Lord.  However, I also realize that sometimes it's not necessarily a painful conflict or relationship that leads women to feel that men are "out to lunch" and "just don't get it".  It's simply this- Men are different than women. And WE don't get THEM.

   I  strongly believe that the differences between men and women are a part of God's expression of His own nature.  I  believe that He created the uniqueness in the sexes to complement each other in marriage, family, the Church and all areas of life.  Consequently, my desire has been to understand men better- for the sake of many relationships in my life, to be able to serve others and above all, for the glory of God.  I want to learn to respect the men in my life for who God has made them and not for what I (fueled by Jane Austen and the like) expect them to be.

    Now, to be completely honest, I know the tendency that we women have when trying to understand men.  We want to ask a close friend who will give us an honest opinion.  That leads us to- our girlfriends.  While we hopefully have wonderful godly female mentors who can give us sage wisdom on the men in our lives, my personal experience with this is that we are often pooling ignorance, patting each other on the back and sadly, echoing the lie of our culture- "Well, honey, men don't really know what they are doing anyway!  Better to look out for yourself!"

   So, reaching out to my girlfriends for insight is probably not going to be very effective and may even be harmful.   I need to hear about how men process and what's important to them from MEN.  While my own brothers have given me some insight (for which I am very grateful), men aren't generally as inclined to analyze and discuss said differences for hours over coffee and scones giving us great insight into these differences.  And I have discovered that they often don't express their thoughts and desires because they know that we are fragile and it might hurt us.

   That brings me to my book recommendation. I just read For Women Only:What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. I confess, the title kept me away from the book for a while.  Anything that sounds like it's going to reveal "secrets about men" sounds a little too Cosmopolitan magazine to me. Not to mention, the numerous follow up books and devotionals which can feel "pop psychology" to me.  Nevertheless, the recommendations from friends and trusted author reviews finally got me to pick up the book. In fact, I got the audio-version and in the 4 hours it took me to prep my house for company, was able to listen to the whole thing read by the author in a very heartfelt and winning way.

 Shaunti Feldhahn testifies that she found herself in a similar situation to the one I described above.  She started to see that women were just not understanding the fundamental differences between them and their men and were consequently making judgments and reading into things entirely wrongly.  (Sound familiar to any gals out there?)

Through conversations with her husband and other men, Shaunti started to realize that men view a handful of things very differently than women- namely love and respect, "being visual", sex, romance, the drive to perform and burden to provide.  She, like many of us ladies, knew that there were differences, but hadn't realized just how great those differences were.

Shaunti started to informally interview people and looked for professional survey work done on these areas and discovered there really wasn't any.  Consequently, she had a couple of professional surveys done polling men in general and then particularly, men who were regular "church-goers".

   The result of her work was a book that I found incredibly helpful, worth-while and surprisingly, encouraging.  Shaunti Feldhahn uses her survey research to reflect on Biblical principles and point out some insight into men's "inner lives".  This insight isn't necessarily ground-breaking and "secrets revealed".  It's more the kind of information that caused me to slap my forehead and think, "I knew this, I just didn't understand it very well."  The book gave me areas to think about, brought up attitudes to repent of, showed me how to pray for "my men" better, and gave me hope that the gender gap isn't impossible to bridge.  It just takes a lot of humility, patience borne of love and faith -in God and His work in the men in our lives.

  I wanted to pass this book recommendation on.  And the other thoughts just kind of rolled out in the process. :)  I hope that my lady friends who read this will be encouraged to understand, pray for and respect the men that God has put in your life.  And I hope any men who stumble on my little post will be encouraged to know that many of us women want to understand, better respect you and pray for you diligently.

Katherine Von Bora: The Woman Behind the Man Part 2

As promised, here is the rest of the story of Katherine Von Bora and Martin Luther.  If you have not read the first part, it is posted further down on the blog.  (Or click on the January archives.)  Enjoy!

To pretend that Martin Luther chose to propose to Katherine Von Bora at this time because of some romantic notion of falling in love would be inconsistent with history.  Love was to be a prominent characteristic of their marriage, but it began on rather unromantic terms.   Luther was convicted that it was time for him to marry, and knowing that Katherine would be open to his proposal, he found her to be the most logical and available choice. Still convinced that he would likely one day be killed as a heretic, Luther candidly told Katherine that were she to marry him, she would share his fate.  Showing herself to be a match for his boldness and commitment to Christ’s work, she accepted his proposal even with this caution.[1]

On June 13, 1525, they were married privately, and held a public ceremony a couple of weeks later.[2]  Katherine was 26 years old and her new husband, Martin was 42.  Though Luther married as proof to the world that he was a man who sincerely believed what he was preaching, he found himself happily surprised by his decision and was enthusiastic about his new marriage in letters to friends.  He wrote in one letter:  “A good wife is not found accidently and without divine guidance.  On the contrary, she is a gift of God, and does not come, as the heathen imagine, in answer to our planning and judging.”[3]   

Yet, the Luthers' marriage was, at this time, one of two people who were very nearly strangers.  Katherine found herself married to a great man, as she had desired, but soon discovered that marriage to a great man is not an easy life.  She shared her husband with the whole Protestant Reformation!  Luther, a long time bachelor, was accustomed to having his friends come and stay with him for weeks at a time, and saw no reason to change this habit after his marriage.  From the very first weeks of their marriage, Katherine had to get used to taking care, not only of her husband, and later, their children, but all sorts of other visitors and needy people who her husband welcomed into their home.  

Katherine was disappointed early in her marriage to discover that her husband did not love her in the all-consuming way in which she had hoped to find his love.  He wrote in a letter to a friend shortly after their marriage that “…I feel neither passionate love nor burning for my spouse, but I cherish her.”[4]  Luther’s marriage has sometimes been criticized for such statements, but much must be taken into account.  First of all, marriages based on convenience or conviction were more common in Luther’s day than marriages based primarily on romance.  But beyond this, is the reality that remains today- true love is not an instant occurrence, but a growing bond between two people.  Reading Luther’s letters to Katherine, we find an increasing fondness, mutual dependence, affection and camaraderie that can be labeled nothing other than genuine love between a husband and wife. He calls her his “joy” and his “heart’s love”.  He wrote several years after they were married that “If I should lose my Katie I would not take another wife though I were offered a queen.”[5] He said of his reliance on her, “In domestic affairs, I defer to Katie.  Otherwise I am led by the Holy Spirit.”[6] The commitment to the Lord and to each other that their marriage began with was a foundation that led to a happy and close marriage.

Together, Martin and Katherine had six children, four of which survived to adulthood.  When Katherine lost her 13 month old daughter, Elizabeth, she took to her bed and grieved deeply.  During this time of sorrow, however, Katherine found a deeper bond with her husband, as he also grieved for his lost little daughter as he never thought possible. [7]  Both Martin and Katherine were known to be very devoted parents who were affectionate and diligent to train their children in the things of the Lord.

As Katherine grew in her sense of purpose and calling as Luther’s wife, she began to enjoy her marriage more.  She saw her husband’s eccentricities for what they were and worked to “help him” overcome some of them.  “Once he locked himself in his study and did not emerge for three days.”  Katherine grew tired of his self-inflicted exile from his family, and decided to take matters into her own hands.  “Katie had the door removed whereupon he looked up in bewildered innocence and asked what harm he was doing.”[8] A long time monk, and longer time bachelor, he had not fully adjusted to being a part of a family, and she meant to teach him how.

Martin Luther, in his great generosity would virtually impoverish his own household.  He was known to take in boarders without charging them, and would feed anyone who came to his door.  Katherine struggled to budget for her household and feed their six children while her husband’s generous heart seemed to equate to a blind eye toward his own empty coffers.  When friends and wealthy patrons offered Luther money to help with expenses, he would firmly reject it, not wanting to risk fueling his enemies’ accusations that his work was for worldly gain.  Katherine grew frustrated with what she saw as her husband’s lack of fiscal wisdom and determined to find a way to save face for him and to provide for the family as well.  It became known of her that if someone wanted to give gifts of thankfulness to the cause of Martin Luther, they would best go through his wife.  She accepted gifts from these patrons and used the funds to keep the Luther household afloat. 

It was very well for Luther that his wife was so apt at household management.  His home, which was essentially house, hostel, hospital and school all together, usually housed about 40 people at a time.  It was called the Black Cloister and was a central meeting place for Reformers traveling across Europe.  It was also the center of Biblical education, care for the sick and home to orphans.  Katherine was the accomplished mistress of this cloister.   

Katherine accepted her role as the wife of a very busy man and grew to enjoy being a part of the important work he did.  She took on the life of the woman depicted in Proverbs 31, and saw to the needs of her household so well that her husband had no need to  be concerned.  “Martin often called her ‘the morning star of Wittenberg’ since she rose at 4 A.M. to begin her many responsibilities- and often worked until 9 in the evening.  Luther often had to urge her to relax.”[9]

Katherine shared with her husband a rich, and even scandalous, sense of humor.  His letters to her are full of teasing, particularly for the bossiness Kate was famous for.  Nine years into their marriage, he wrote while on a journey, “Yesterday, I had bad stuff to drink, and was made to sing. It is annoyance to me to have bad wine to drink, when I remember what good wine and beer I had at have at home, besides a pretty wife- or should I say, master?”[10]   She could take his teasing, and deliver some of her own as well.  Luther was a difficult and stubborn man, but Katherine had a way of pointing out areas that he needed to adjust in a light and teasing way that was very effective.  A story is told where Martin was in a deep state of depression and could not be cheered.  One morning, Katherine donned a black dress, and made a solemn appearance.  Confused by her dress, Martin asked her, “Are you going to a funeral?”  “No”, she calmly replied, “but since you act as though God is dead, I wanted to join you in mourning.”  Amused but duly challenged, Luther shook off his depression![11]  Katherine also was known to encourage Luther to tone down harsh statements toward others in his writing.  She did not, however, desire for her husband to be weak toward opposition either.  On one occasion, Luther was entreated by friends not to carry a written attack against an opponent, Hans Woltenbütel, due to potential political ramifications.  Luther, not normally one to back down, nearly did so in this case, until his wife convinced him to stay strong regardless of the consequences.  He proceeded to publish a tract called Wider Hans Wurst, which is translated essentially, “Against Hans Baloney”.[12]

Luther’s letters to his wife depict their growing love for each other.  Luther writes to assure his wife of his health, which she was often concerned about, being his faithful nurse in his sickness.  He also expresses anxiety for her when there were rumors of war near where she was staying when he was travelling.[13]  In his Table Talks, he records conversations with Katherine on several occasions, showing her to be a lively conversationalist, and a good scholar.  She was very respectful to him, but was not afraid to challenge him, particularly when she deemed him too harsh to his theological opponents.  His writing shows them to be great friends, as well as husband and wife.

Luther was known to say, “Let the wife make the husband glad to be home  and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”[14]  This, by all accounts, was an aspiration gained by Martin and Katherine Luther.  United in purpose and heart, their marriage was strong and happy.

Martin Luther died in 1546 at 62 years old.  Katherine wrote this of him: “{I am} deeply grieved and saddened over the loss of such a dear and precious man as my husband has been.”  She lived seven more years, and died at the age of 53.  Her love for her husband had been second only to her love for the Lord, and in her final words, she is recorded to have said that her truest desire was to “cling to Christ like a burr to a dress.”[15]

This story has been an inspiration to me.  Katherine was a true "help-meet", recognizing the sacrificial nature of love and allowing her strengths to compliment her husband greatly.  This is the kind of wife I want to be!  I hope this story has been an encouragement to you as well.  Soli Deo Gloria.

---

[1] Bainton, 27.

[2] Taylor, 222-223.

[3] What Luther Says, 906.

[4] Luther’s Works, 48:117.

[5] Luthers Briefwechsel, 3253.

[6] Bainton, 27.

[7] Luthers Briefwechsel , 1303

[8] Ibid, 30.

[9] Taylor, 228.

[10] Luther’s Letters to Women, Chapman and Hall (1865), 83.

[11] Markwald and Markwald, 140.

[12] Bainton, 38.

[13] Luther’s Letters to Women, 117.

[14] Table Talks, 6320.

[15] Luther’s Works, 176, 192.

Contentment is NOT Apathy

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." 

Paul, the Apostle

Philippians 4:11

The Apostle Paul desired. (Philippians 1:23*, 1 Thessalonians 2:17)
The Apostle Paul earnestly prayed. (1 Thessalonians 3:10)

The Apostle Paul labored intensely toward his goal. (1 Thessalonians 2:9, 2 Thessalonians 3:8)

The Apostle Paul struggled with himself, others and the Spirit. (Romans 7:15ff, Colossians 2:1)

The Apostle Paul fought, ran and kept on. (2 Timothy 4:7)

Contentment is NOT apathy.  

"But Godliness with Contentment is Great Gain."

Paul, the Apostle

1 Timothy 6:6

*Verses are given in example, not as an exhaustive list.